


Scars

by sweetlolixo



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 10:03:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14542311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetlolixo/pseuds/sweetlolixo
Summary: Uruha and Aoi try to find love in each other's scars.





	Scars

**Author's Note:**

> Fic originally posted onto LiveJournal [here](https://sweetlolixo.livejournal.com/177873.html#cutid1) on Apr 06, 2013.

“Hello.”  
  
Aoi hadn’t been expecting company. The raven haired man walks over to the side of his bed, emptying his haversack slowly, ignoring the blond that was currently waving to him. Like him, the blond has both his wrists neatly bandaged and his arms littered with scars. Aoi’s sickened for a second, because he had never found the scars pretty, even though the sight of them still didn’t deter him ever from cutting himself. The momental pain he got from the knife against his skin was good enough to help him ignore the pain that was raging in his mind. Aoi never minded the ugliness, after. He didn’t have mirrors anymore in the house, anyway. He broke all of them.  
  
“Hey.”  
  
The blond attempts to call out again, getting up from his position by the window sill. There’s a large human sized window sill with a nice little place to lie down against it, stuffed with colorful pillows and motivational posters by the wall. It’s a nice place, alright; Aoi had looked around the room the day before being admitted. You can see the garden below from the window, and you can even enter a little balcony by the side through the glass door next to it. It’s an expensive type A ward, the best kind in the hospital, something his parents had been too eager to pay for. Aoi always lived the best, had the best, ate the best, dressed the best. But his mind, on the contrary, held the lowest of the low. And his heart – was as dark as it was empty. The pain in his wrists are still stinging, and Aoi convinces himself that it’s the only reason why tears are gradually seeping out from his eyes. Because it doesn’t matter where Aoi is, the pain will never go away.  
  
“Are you crying?”  
  
The blond’s concerned tone was getting more and more irritating by the second. Aoi curses his luck, but he zips his bag back close roughly, accidentally hitting himself in the process. The raven haired sits back down against the bed, holding his face in his hands. He couldn’t ever do anything right. Couldn’t go to school properly, couldn’t feel or be happy properly. He never was like the other children, because he thought too much, because his head and heart always hurt too much. The room is soon filled with sobbing, and they feel so far away that Aoi doesn’t even realize it’s his until the blond makes his way next to him, and gently pats the raven’s head.  
  
Aoi hisses immediately. Contact. No, he definitely did not like contact. And he hadn’t expected company. No one told him he would be having a ward companion, but then again, they never told him anything anyway. Or maybe Aoi just didn’t listen. Maybe Aoi just couldn’t listen, through the heartbreak and the tears, and the loud pounding against his door, pleading him to open it to let his parents in and to take the knife away from his wrists. The worst came when yesterday, he had stolen his mother’s sleeping pills from her dressing table, the first careless move she had made in years. They were just enough to take his life, Aoi had counted, and he had tried to swallow them all in glee, knowing this would mean the end of his pain, the end of the loud voices in his head telling him he wasn’t ever good enough. Sometimes it got so loud that he couldn’t even hear anything else anymore, and Aoi would just cry himself to sleep, never on the bed, but on the floor, or against the window, or in the kitchen.  
  
The pills had almost worked, if his mother hadn’t come home in time. Aoi could feel himself slipping away, his consciousness leaving him, only to be pulled back to reality with the doctors’ loud and nervous voices filling the air, thrusting his chest repeatedly with the defibrillator. Aoi had choked back to life, crying, and his parents had brought him into their arms and told them they were going to take him to a nicer place so he wouldn’t have to feel so cooped up at home anymore.  
  
“They didn’t tell me I was going to have company,” Aoi said quietly, feeling the bed dip beside him. He guesses the blond haired man has already self invited himself to sit next to the raven, though Aoi didn’t say he could do so. But he’s too tired to throw a tantrum about that, or ask the man to leave him alone. He felt tired, and he wanted to sleep.  
  
“Yeah, well, they didn’t tell me, either.” The blond rolled his eyes, though his voice sounded anything other than angry. “You would think that after a year of staying here, I would be treated with more respect. Obviously not.”  
  
The raven shifted uneasily in his seat; he wasn’t used to speaking to strangers like this, or anyone outside his parents, really. Maybe the maids at home sometimes, but that was it. No one wanted to be friends with him, or more like – Aoi didn’t bother making friends, anyway. He just never felt the need to, didn’t think it would make a difference in filling this void up in his heart.  
  
The raven haired man still doesn’t do well, with eye contact, though, and he finds it hard to keep his head up to speak to the blond. He still hasn’t seen his face properly yet, because Aoi’s too self absorbed in looking to his wrists, and he wonders if the blond thinks he’s rude, but Aoi can’t help it. He’s too nervous, too scared, and he had thought he would be alone at least in his new ward. The blond man doesn’t make a single noise, however, and Aoi thinks that maybe it’s because he’s just like he is, because the bandages that are wrapped around his wrists are thicker than the ones on Aoi’s. Maybe the blond understood Aoi’s tendency to stray from eye contact. Maybe he was the same? He feels relieved, suddenly, knowing the fact that his new companion at least seemed to be going through the same things Aoi was going through. But how? In which way?  
  
His eyelids felt heavy, already. Aoi would have to find out later.  
  
“I’m really tired,” Aoi says softly, and turns his head back to the pillow behind him, grabbing it close to him. “I’m going to rest.”  
  
The blond haired man nods in understanding, getting up from the bed hurriedly.  
  
“Need me to draw the curtains for you?”  
  
“Please.” Aoi murmurs, and feels himself drifting off into a deep sleep, at the exact same time the curtains close and the sunlight evaporates into darkness.  
  
~  
  
Aoi wakes up the next morning with a throbbing heartache. It’s still dark, and when his eyes strain to look at the clock etched highly on the wall in front of him, he realizes it’s only 5 in the morning. Way too early, but most nights, he didn’t sleep. He’s almost surprised he fell asleep on a solid bed yesterday. He must have been too tired.  
  
Aoi sucks in a deep breath, pulling the covers off him. He didn’t remember pulling them over, yesterday. Did the blond haired man do it? He turns to the bed next to him, and feels his heart beat irrevocably with the sight of the man, soundly asleep, panting slightly in his sleep. He hadn’t scrutinized the blond properly yesterday, but upon taking a closer look, the blond didn’t look as old as he sounded. Was he around Aoi’s age? Maybe even younger. He looked good, though. Aoi wasn’t sure why that crossed his mind, but the blond looked like he had the kind of face that everyone would like and say he’s handsome, that kind that appealed to everyone. He must have a lot of friends, Aoi laments to himself, finding his face falling at that thought. Aoi didn’t have any. But… if the blond was as perfect as he looked, how did he end up here? Only the bad people end up here. The  _bad_  kind.  
  
Aoi shook his head. He was thinking too much again. He would always ramble off in his thoughts, and soon they’d lead to no good. And he would start crying again. Speaking of the blond, though… Did he mention that he’d been staying here for a year? Then why were the bandages and the scars on his arms so fresh? Aoi shivers with the realization that the man must have cut himself recently. Did they allow that around here? Could the raven haired do that? Aoi feels his heart pounding with the very thought. Was that part of the hospital policy? Technically, it was a mental hospital – but  _still_. Aoi got up from his bed and pulled open the drawers next to it. There wasn’t anything but empty sketchbooks and colored pencils. Aoi pulled open the lower drawer. Sudoku puzzles. Fuck.  
  
The raven haired tried to squint in the darkness. The whole room was dark, lest for the little light seeping in underneath through the bedroom door. The lamps in the garden are also switched on, and so the window looks almost illuminated from above. Aoi guided himself around the room aimlessly, wishing he had explored the place enough earlier. But he had just felt too tired, and he was too upset with the failure of his last suicide attempt. It seemed like God never wanted him to die even though he had made Aoi this way. It was too cruel, no? He was too cruel.  
  
Aoi pulls the door to the bathroom open, hands roaming around the wall for the light switch, and heaves a relieved sigh when he finally finds it. He always got too panicky during these situations, albeit the smallest matters. Aoi enters the bathroom, looking to the mirror, and he’s startled for a second by his own reflection. Oh,  _god_. No. No. No. No. NO.  
  
There’s a loud crash of things, the only thing Aoi hears, before he opens his eyes up to the ceiling again, realizing he was lying on the ground once more. How did he end up here? His head hurt. The ground always felt more comforting, though. It felt like he was closer to hell.  
  
“Aoi?”  
  
He hears a voice call out, though it’s pretty faint to his ears. The raven feels his eyes closing up once more, feeling tired again. He always felt too tired for anything.  
  
He feels strong arms pulling him up from the floor, right into a chest. Aoi opens his eyes at that, and screams as loud as he can. He tries to fight against the man’s hold, but he realizes it’s futile, because the blond is quite strong despite his scarred arms. The raven haired is sobbing once more, thrashing and punching against the blond, and he’s only stopped when the man slaps a palm over the raven’s mouth, and holds him tight in his hold.  
  
“I’m not going to hurt you.” The blond is speaking calmly, as clearly as possible, emphasizing each word carefully. “I just want you to tell me what’s wrong, and preferably on the bed as you do so.”  
  
Aoi shivers again, feeling a tear roll down the side of his cheek, recognizing the very words his parents tell him every single day. But this time, it’s a stranger, and he feels so ashamed, he feels so embarrassed for someone else to see him this way. He tries to struggle in the blond’s hold once more, but the man grips him tighter, and Aoi gasps, feeling utterly helpless in his grasp. The stranger wasn’t going to let him go until he did what he was told, Aoi knew it. And that’s the only reason Aoi relents, and falls limp, allowing the blond haired man to pull him up from the ground, then pick him up into his arms, carrying Aoi’s slender frame back to bed. Aoi’s surprised at the man’s strength; he wouldn’t have half the strength the blond has, after everything he’s been through, and Aoi wonders why the man has stayed here for so long if he can act so calm and composed now.  
  
Once he’s back against the feel of the mattress, Aoi feels his heart skip as the man’s arms slip out from underneath his body, his touch leaving him. The raven wonders why the man is so nice to him, and then it struck him that he had called him Aoi. The raven widens his eyes – then notices the huge signboard on the wall above his head, with his name written on it. The blond must have seen it. But wait… Aoi hadn’t even known his name yet.  
  
“I understand it’s hard, on the first night,” The blond begins, taking a seat back against his own bed, facing the raven. “I didn’t do well on my first night, too. I had screamed, tried to run, tried to kill myself. I told the nurses I would jump out of the window if they didn’t give me a knife. I was desperate.”  
  
Aoi keeps silent, unsure of whether it was his turn to reply. Was it?  
  
“I heard the loud crash from the bathroom, so I ran to get you, I’m sorry.” The blond doesn’t even sound the least apologetic, but Aoi doesn’t complain. “You were lying there, and I thought you were dead.”  
  
“I wish,” Aoi says in a whisper, and the blond seems to smile at that. He… He didn’t judge Aoi? Aoi’s confused. His parents and psychologist would be yelling at him by now. But now, all the blond is doing is smile to him, as if he…  _understood_. Maybe… because he felt the exact same way? For the first time in ages, Aoi felt like the need to return that smile.  
  
“Are you calmer now? Can you tell me what happened?” The blond places his hands against his lap.  
  
The raven can’t seem to make out the blond’s features in the dark, and that’s the only reason he dares to gaze up to the blond’s face, shaking his head with a small nod.  
  
“I just… I was looking for a knife…” Aoi found the words hard to speak, though they sounded so much clearer in his mind. “I thought I could get one from the bathroom… Then I saw…” He feels the fear start to seep in once more, and the tears running down his face. No.  _No_. He can’t do this. He can’t lie here and tell the stranger his problems and pretend everything was going to be okay. No. He still needed the knife, he needed those pills,  _anything_. Aoi sucks in a loud breath, then he gets up quickly from the bed, aiming to head to the bathroom once more, only to be stopped immediately by the blond who moves faster than the raven. The blond haired man grabs at the raven’s wrist and pins him back down against the bed, straddling Aoi’s thighs as he crawls up onto Aoi’s body, something that Aoi cries out against, and he’s only silenced when the man places a finger to the raven’s lips, shushing Aoi swiftly.  
  
“You’re going to have to tell me what you saw, Aoi.” The blond’s face is only inches away from the raven and he’s speaking calmly once more, something that starts sounding patronizing to Aoi, and Aoi feels anger rising in him slowly. “I will promise to give you a knife if you tell me what exactly happened.” Aoi feels his heart beating furiously at that.  
  
“Really?” The raven’s gasping, happily, the first time since he’s come here, and he feels hope re-igniting inside of him. If his new ward companion was of valuable use to him, it would be perfect. He wouldn’t mind the blond’s presence at this rate.  
  
“Yes,  _really_.” The blond answers, and the corners of his lips seem to be curving up once more. He’s smiling, and Aoi wonders why – did he think Aoi was stupid for being happy about this? – but nonetheless, Aoi nods his head in response, hoping the man was going to deliver what he promised.  
  
“I saw… I saw my face,” Aoi begins, and he finds that it’s much easier to say it now, when he knows he’s going to get a knife at the end of this to ease the pain he was feeling now. “I know I sound stupid, but… I haven’t seen it in a long time. I broke all the mirrors in the house, and my parents removed all of them because I was beginning to use the shard pieces to cut myself. I just… I just can’t stand the ugliness, you know? I look into the mirror, and I see this person, and he’s so familiar to me but he’s so… far away. And I can’t… I…” He doesn’t realize his voice is gradually breaking, and he doesn’t realize he’s crying until the man reaches a finger down to wipe them off. “I just hate him… so much… Because… he looks human… and I know I’m not human, I really am not.”  
  
“You’re not,” The blond repeats, reassuring him, and briefly strokes the side of Aoi’s wet cheek. “I believe you, Aoi.”  
  
“I’m not, aren’t I?” Aoi chokes out, though he’s smiling, when he realizes the man is the first person to agree with him. “I don’t deserve to be here. I just know… if I just get a knife… or the pills… all of this could disappear. And, they just won’t let me.” The raven finds it harder and harder to speak with all the tears choking up his throat. “And I’m so mad, because they don’t understand why I need to. I  _have_ to. And no one lets me, and now I’m here, and I really… I really want a knife…”  
  
“Sweetheart…” Aoi shivers when he hears the man’s voice whisper against his cheek, and then feel the blond’s lips pressing lightly against his skin. “I’m really proud of you.”  
  
“W-Why?” Aoi asks, though he’s more distracted by the fleeting kiss on his cheek. No one had done it to him before, and he’d been so lost in his thought, he’d forgotten the fact that the blond was just hovering above him, his body leaning into his. He had never been this close to anyone before, and suddenly it was scaring him. He was getting anxious again, and it wasn’t good, and he wanted to desperately tell the man to get off him, but there was something about his voice and touch that calmed Aoi at the same time. He wasn’t sure if he liked it more or hated it more, but the fact that he wasn’t voicing his discomfort out showed which side appealed to him more.  
  
“Thank you for telling me, Aoi.” The man smiles to Aoi in the darkness, and the raven feels a strange serenity sweep over him. Beautiful…  
  
“I… I want my knife now… please.” Aoi stutters, looking pleadingly to the man above him, and the blond gets off him in an instant, jumping back to his own bed. Aoi almost thinks that the blond has betrayed him, his trust, and that the blond was going back to bed, was going to ignore the raven just like all the others have done. But all the blond does is reach from underneath the bed, and pull out a little pen knife, something so small that the raven thinks must have been the reason why the blond hasn’t gotten caught for it yet.  
  
“Here it is.” The blond walks over to the raven, and places it in his palm, looking more than eager to fulfill Aoi’s wish. Aoi’s surprised, but he’s happy, and as he holds the penknife close to himself, he feels his heart beating fast once more, realizing this was the first time anyone else had been kind to him except for his parents.  
  
“Is… Is this why your wounds are freshly bandaged?”  
  
“Hmm?” The man looks to Aoi for a second. “Pardon?”  
  
“Your… Your wrists,” The raven stutters, nervous, looking shyly to his lap. The pen knife is still lying there, waiting to be used, waiting to take the pain away. “They’re… bandaged. You did it… recently?”  
  
The blond chuckles for a moment. “I was supposed to leave yesterday, but they found me with bloody wounds again. So I had to stay. Oh well.”  
  
Aoi finds himself blushing unconsciously. “Ah… okay.” He doesn’t know why he has this happy, fluttery feeling in his chest though. “I’m glad you’re… here…”  
  
“It’s fine.” The man cocks his head to the side, gazing to the raven before him. “You’re really cute, so. I don’t mind staying here longer.”  
  
Ah? Aoi feels his face flaming again. It was the first time someone had complimented him, the first time he had heard such kind words from a stranger. Hearing it felt as good as the pain he got from the knives, the pain that could distract him from the real pain away. There was the real, and the fake pain, and the really lethal one was the real one, which Aoi always aimed to destroy. He never succeeded, though, and everyone, his parents, his psychologists; they always told him the fake pain could do more damage than the real pain, but they knew nothing. It didn’t matter if the fake one killed him, as long as it killed the real one in the process, it would be enough…  
  
“Aren’t you going to ask me for my name?” The man asked with a laugh, and it jolts Aoi out of his thoughts abruptly.  
  
“Ah… that.” Aoi murmured in embarrassment. “I’m sorry… I don’t talk well with strangers. I just… I’m sorry…”  
  
“Hey, it’s okay,” The blond hushes him quickly. “My name is Kouyou, but I don’t really want to be called that anymore. Everyone in the hospital knows me as Uruha, so I guess you can call me that.”  
  
“Uruha?” Aoi asks out softly, unsure and hesitant.  
  
“Yes?” Uruha laughs, looking to the raven. “Aoi?”  
  
“Ah…” Aoi held his hands to his face, feeling his cheeks almost explode with all the blushing going on. He was starting to like the way the blond was calling his name very much.  
  
“Hey, you okay?” Uruha says, looking concernedly to the raven. He gets up from his bed, making his way to Aoi, kneeling down just before him. “Are you going to cry again?” The blond reaches a hand up to cup the raven’s face, and Aoi jumps back upon contact, feeling his heart burst at that exact moment.  
  
“N-No!” Aoi shakes his head, and he realizes how stupid he looks right now, in front of a stranger, in front of someone who could potentially be his friend. He was just so confused, by all of these happy emotions, when he had never felt them before. He was confused, because no one else seemed to understand him the way he needed them to, and he wondered where these  _kind_  of people had been all his life. In the mental hospital ward?  
  
“You’re really pretty,” Uruha laughs, looking intently into Aoi’s eyes. “I was shocked when you entered my ward. You don’t look like the type to come here, to be honest. You look too young, too. Aren’t your friends at school worried?”  
  
It was silent for a moment. Then the pain started seeping in.  
  
“I… I don’t have friends.” Aoi said quietly, and he feels the blond’s hand fall at that. Did Uruha despise him now? Was Aoi too much of a loser to speak to now? Aoi suddenly feels so scared, hoping the blond wasn’t going to go away, or leave him because of what he said. Aoi feels desperate, and he quickly tries to defend himself. “I don’t… I don’t go to school, you see… I’m home schooled, and… I don’t feel comfortable talking to people. I just… I’m scared all the time, and…” Oh, god, was Aoi crying again? The raven rubs furiously at his eyes, hoping he wasn’t scaring his ward companion off, knowing too well how much he scared people off with his behaviors. “I just…” Aoi was sobbing, already. He was  _so_  scared, and he wanted to go home, and he wanted the knife against his skin now. But instead of a knife, all he got was the feeling of Uruha’s arms wrapping around him, pulling him close. He can hear the blond rushing to shush him once more, running his fingers comfortingly down his raven hair, and Aoi shuts his eyes, leaning into the blond’s touch for the first time. Uruha had this magical feeling of calming Aoi instantly, and Aoi’s sobs gradually got smaller, until they faded off into the silence, the only noise apparent in the room being Uruha’s comforting words.  
  
“You’re so young…” Uruha says softly, rubbing at Aoi’s shoulders consolingly. “It gets better with time, I promise.”  
  
Aoi lifted his head up. “H… How old are you?”  
  
“Hmm, my birthday’s next month.” The blond pretended to ponder over it. “I guess I’m still twenty two.” Aoi’s shocked for a moment – the blond had looked so young at first sight.  
  
“You’re only five years older than me,” Aoi whispers, and Uruha seems to smile at that. “When… did…?”  
  
“I tried to kill myself… I don’t know, three times?” Uruha laughed. “By the third time, you’re kind of resigned to the fact that you’re never gonna die. My family refused to admit me to the hospital, though, until the psychologists persuaded them to. I was depressed all throughout high school and I guess my family never cared about that. They never kept knives from me, they ignored the blood stains on the sheets as long as I washed them clean. Then one day, my teacher saw my scars, and it blew into a huge matter. One thing led to another… I stopped schooling, I saw doctors every day, I only got admitted early last year after I tried to kill myself for the third time.”  
  
Aoi’s shaking for a moment. Uruha sounded so much like him, except for the fact that Aoi’s parents cared too much. Did it hurt even more? Without a family to love you? “You… went to school?”  
  
“Yeah, I did.” The blond tightened his smile. “It wasn’t good. I didn’t have friends, either. I guess that’s what we both have in common.”  
  
Aoi widened his eyes. Uruha? The man who carried him from the bathroom and showed so much kindness to him? He didn’t have friends? “That’s not… true. You’re a really good person.”  
  
“Mmm, it’s alright.” The blond cocked his head to the side again. “It didn’t bother me. I’m kind of resigned to the fact that I’m always just going to be there, but not really there. Like how I exist, but don’t really exist. I know I’m never going to succeed with killing myself, but that won’t stop me from cutting, either. And to be honest, when no one gives a damn about you, it really doesn’t matter.”  
  
Did Aoi hear a tinge of hurt in his voice? Aoi averted his gaze, feeling strangely upset in his stomach.  
  
“You’re a really good person,” Aoi repeats softly, and he feels Uruha lowering his head to snuggle against Aoi’s, before the raven finds his eyes shutting close once more, giving way to tiredness.  
  
He hadn’t realized he hadn’t needed to use the knife to get rid of the pain for the first time in ages.  
  
~  
  
Aoi’s almost disappointed to find out he had woken up in just the comfort of his blankets, and not in the arms of Uruha’s. The blond’s still fastly asleep on the bed next to him, even when the nurses enters the room, and Aoi wonders if he had really tired Uruha out with the talk they had this morning. The nurses take a tray each and head for the respective beds, gently patting the patients up to take their regular medicine and to check for new wounds. They had already set aside all forms of sharp objects, but they had to check, just to be sure. And when the nurse pulls the cover off Aoi to help him up against the bed, she lets out a shriek when she notices the pen knife lying underneath. Aoi’s face pales for a second, suddenly remembering Uruha had given that to him the night before. It wasn’t Uruha’s fault, it was  _his_  – but the raven doesn’t manage to say it before the nurse grabs for it and heads angrily over to Uruha’s side of the bed. She’s engaged in heated conversation with the blond’s own personalized nurse, and Aoi tenses up immediately, hoping Uruha wouldn’t be in any trouble. Because the blond is still sleeping soundly, and he looks really weak and fragile, and he doesn’t want to disturb the blond in slumber.  
  
“Did Uruha give this to you, Aoi?” Aoi’s own nurse, a slim looking woman named Kira, looks aggressively to the raven. Aoi can’t do anything but nod, nervous, and the words won’t leave his mouth even though he wants so badly to. He wants to tell them that he had asked for it, and Uruha hadn’t offered it to him, and he’s so sorry, and he wants to tell them not to wake the blond up. But they’re already tapping the older man up, and as Uruha flutters his eyes up, he’s met with the two serious gazes of the nurses, and it takes him a second to register what’s happening.  
  
“Hurt yourself if you wish to, but do not hurt  _my_  patient!” Kira’s yelling, and the other nurse – Akari, was it? – has to calm the other one down. Now that Aoi thought about it, the two looked quite similar. Were they sisters? “Aoi’s new, and he’s much younger than you, alright? Uruha, I have had to put up with you and your nonsense for a whole year, so please spare me from having to put up with it again even with my new patient.”  
  
Uruha’s silent for a second. Then, as he turned to Aoi, the raven registered the hurt look on his face. Oh no… No. Was the blond upset with the raven? Did Aoi do something wrong? It’s just… He just…  
  
“I understand, Kira-san.” Uruha said tiredly. “Is that it?”  
  
“Is that it?! Is that  _it_?!” Kira raises her tone, as if she wasn’t loud enough already, and Akari has to soothe her back quickly, persuading her to go out and take a short break. Kira looks worriedly back to Aoi, and she’s only convinced when Akari tells her she will take over her duties and feed Aoi his medicine. Aoi watches as his own nurse leaves the room, bitter, and he shudders a little. Was his nurse usually that temperamental?  
  
“Please don’t mind her, Aoi-san,” Akari smiles reassuringly to the raven, noticing his confused expression. “Kira used to be Uruha’s own personal nurse. They didn’t… exactly get along.”  
  
“That would be an understatement.” Uruha muttered under his breath. Akari laughs for a moment. “It’s not my fault she has a stick up her ass. She has issues.”  
  
“You know she just cares,” Akari replies sweetly, and Uruha chuckles a little. Aoi watches the both of them converse in envy; Uruha looked like he liked Akari a lot, and they were chatting like two old friends who hadn’t seen each other in a long time. The raven curls back up against his own bed, looking back to his bandaged wrists. Plus… he had just gotten Uruha into trouble. He hoped the blond wasn’t too angry at him. Aoi never did well with confrontation, or explaining things, or… any pressurizing situations, rather. But last night had been the nicest he had felt in a long while, and he hoped Uruha wasn’t going to leave him like this.  
  
When the blond’s done with his medicine, Akari moves to Aoi’s side of the bed, and gently feeds the raven the medicine one by one. Aoi swallows the medicine bitterly down his throat while keeping his eyes fixed on the blond, who seems to be staring out to the window, seemingly distracted by something. Aoi wonders if he should talk to Uruha after this, about yesterday, and maybe about Kira.  
  
“How’s your first night here?” Akari asks with a gentle smile, pouring a glass of water for the raven. “Was it alright? I know it’s difficult, being away from home, but it’ll help you, I promise.”  
  
“It was okay,” Aoi said quietly, taking the glass water in hand, disliking small talk. Then the memories of snuggling up against Uruha’s arms flooded back into his mind, and he smiled a little as he gulped the water down his mouth. “It went well.”  
  
“Ah! Great to hear.” Akari smiled wider. She took back the empty glass and placed it back on the tray. “Maybe Uruha could show you around the hospital? We have a lot of facilities here. Game rooms, and what not. Uruha?” The blond seemed to ignore her question, and Aoi felt his heart break a little. The blond was really angry with him.  
  
“I’ll trust Aoi to you, okay? I have to get back to work now. Just press the button if you need my assistance. You too, Aoi! I’ll come back during lunch.”  
  
Once Akari left the room and the door was closed once more, Aoi turned to the blond, who seemed to be lying back in bed, a pillow held over his head. Was he avoiding the raven? Aoi bit his lip and looked ashamedly to himself. He was always doing something wrong…  
  
“Why didn’t you?”  
  
Uruha’s voice broke the silence. Aoi looked up quickly, realizing the blond was speaking to him, and he started fumbling with his hands nervously.  
  
“W… What?”  
  
“Why didn’t you tell her?” Uruha flipped the pillow back down and perched his head against his hand, looking to the raven curiously. “Why didn’t you tell her how you had a breakdown in the bathroom and had me to calm you down?”  
  
Aoi shook his head quickly, feeling panicky emotions rising in him. “I’m sorry, I just… I don’t… I…”  
  
“You’re useless.” Uruha spat, and the raven felt his whole world shattering right in front of him. W… What? Did… did the kind blond stranger just tell him things only the mean voices in his head would tell him sometimes? Aoi found the tears running down his face once more, and he shook his head, backing up against the bed frame.  
  
“I’m sorry…” Aoi shook, shivering, feeling a different kind of pain start to take over him. He wasn’t sure what it was, but it felt ten times worse than the pain he would feel every other day, and he was overcome with the need to look for a knife again.  
  
“Uruha – ” Aoi’s eyes gaze up hurriedly as he realizes the blond is getting up and leaving the room, and leaving the raven all alone in his bed. But before he even manages to get a word out, the blond has already left, and the raven feels so giddy with sadness, he wants to collapse.  
  
~  
  
When Aoi awakes, he realizes it’s to the sounds of the blond shaking him, his paranoid voice calling out repeatedly in worry. The raven manages to pull his heavy eyelids open, though, and he finds himself staring up right into the blond’s brown eyes, Uruha’s eyebrows furrowing in worry. Aoi feels the blond pulling him into a tight embrace right soon after, and the raven smiles a little at that, finding Uruha’s hugs to be the most calming.  
  
“You scared me,” Uruha choked out, startling Aoi a little; was the blond crying? “I had just went out to get water, and I came back and you weren’t responding, and… and I thought you were dead. Jesus fucking christ, I’ve known you for two days and you’ve successfully made me worry over you on both occasions. You’re horrible, you know that?”  
  
The raven feels his heart fluttering a little. “You… You’re not mad at me?”  
  
“I was never mad at you,  _stupid_ ,” Uruha huffed angrily, pulling back to gaze back to Aoi’s face. “I only got upset because you just reminded me of me. I just… Bad memories, I guess. My friend helped me once, and I couldn’t voice it out, and then I lost him forever. It… hurt. It hurt so much, Aoi, and I’ve never had a friend like that again.” He wiped at his eyes a little. Aoi reached out a hand, hesitantly, but steadily, pulling Uruha’s own hands away, before stroking past the blond’s cheek, caressing those tears away.  
  
“Did he call you useless, too?” Aoi asks quietly. When the blond nods, Aoi’s lips curve into a frown, and he reaches forward to hold Uruha close to him. “You’re the nicest person I’ve ever met. You’re not useless at all. I’m the one that’s useless.”  
  
“That’s not true,” The blond responds softly, his crying slowly easing. “I’m not a good person, Aoi. If I wasn’t, I wouldn’t be stuck here, Aoi. I wouldn’t be stuck here, without a family to pick me up, without a single person to care for me. I don’t know what I want in life and I don’t know how I’m ever going to live normally, Aoi. I don’t know  _anything_. I’m wandering about here, everyday, trying to find some kind of thing to live for. But nothing’s working. Nothing’s working, as many times I hurt myself, and I just want to end it all already.”  
  
Aoi feels his heart softening, listening to his words, and he wonders why they sound so familiar to him. Were they things Aoi had said to his psychologists and parents over and over again? Were they things the raven had always tried to make people understand but no one ever got it? No one except the blond, who was sobbing right in front of him, tired, scared, and everything that Aoi was feeling right now. And for the first time, Aoi feels like he wants to save someone else, instead of himself.  
  
“No one ever understood me when I said those things,” Aoi whispers, moving a hand up against the side of Uruha’s face, pulling it close to him. “How is it that you’ve managed to perfectly feel everything I’ve always wanted to tell everyone else?”  
  
“I don’t know,” The blond stifles a laugh, then presses his forehead against the raven’s. “We’re in a mental hospital, after all. I guess you’re bound to find people of your kind.”  
  
“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Aoi finds himself smiling, and he realizes he’s smiled more times with the blond than ever in his whole lifetime. What was with the blond that made Aoi so happy? The fact that he had finally found someone that understood just how he felt?  
  
“Maybe it isn’t.” Uruha’s gaze lowered, then he kisses the top of Aoi’s nose gently, something that causes the raven to shudder at. Aoi had never been kissed in his life; and he wonders if the blond has done this before, he wonders if the blond has had anyone else to do this with before. He doesn’t have time to think, though, because Uruha’s next kiss is upon Aoi’s lips, and as the raven parts his lips for the blond’s tongue to slip in, Uruha reaches for Aoi’s hair to pull at, pushing him back against the bed in the process. The blond’s hair strands tickle Aoi’s neck a little as Uruha leans over to kiss him deeper, and the raven moans softly, entangling his tongue with the blond’s, feeling a foreign feeling of happiness wash over him as he responds eagerly to Uruha’s kiss, their kiss a desperate and needy one, the bed shaking as their bodies arched and bent into each other along with the kiss. Aoi had never been more intimate with anyone else in his life; and he found that the feeling that was flooding him was even  _better_ than the fake pain he always had to get to erase the real pain away, because this time he didn’t have to watch the blood leave his skin, or watch the ugly scars taint his body. And when they finally pull away to gasp momentarily for breath, Aoi finds that it’s the first thing he says.  
  
“This is better than the fake pain,” Aoi smiles, and Uruha’s curiosity is piqued.  
  
“Eh?”  
  
“Fake pain, the one we get from the knives and the pills,” Aoi whispers with a moan, feeling the blond leave kisses against his jaw, slowly leading them down to his neck. “The pain we desperately try to get to clear our minds off the real pain inside of us.”  
  
Uruha breathes hotly against Aoi’s skin with a smile. “You have the weirdest definitions, Aoi.”  
  
“It’s true,” The raven giggles, feeling the blond slip a hand teasingly under the Aoi’s shirt to caress up his chest. “Don’t you think it’s better? It’s better than the ugly scars I have on my body… It’s better than everything else.”  
  
Uruha kisses the exposed part of Aoi’s stomach, pushing the cloth up a little higher. “I agree, the scars that litter our arms are ugly. But – ” Uruha’s hands brushed past the raven’s own arm. “Your scars are beautiful. And that’s what I thought when you first walked into the room, and that’s what I think now when I see them up close. You’re so beautiful, Aoi, and you have no reason to be unhappy. You’re…” Uruha contemplated awhile for the right word. “… perfect.”  
  
Aoi feels a tear leaving the side of his cheek. “Really?”  
  
“Really.” The blond smiles, then reaches up to kiss Aoi one more time, and the raven circles his arms around Uruha’s neck, realizing coming here to the hospital was the best thing he had ever done.  
  
~  
  
  
The next few days passed by in a flurry. Aoi spent the bulk of his time with Uruha, who guided him around the hospital, and he got to meet several new people, all just like them, including Reita, who had stayed here for the past eight months, whose secret ambition was to be a professional stunt driver; Kai, who was admitted just six months ago, and was obsessed on perfecting his original recipe of a parfait; and finally, Ruki, who was admitted just two months ago, and refused to believe his dreams of being a singer were crushed and was adamant to get back into the industry again. All of them had attempted suicide due to depression and were forced into the hospital, but they seemed to be getting back on their feet pretty well enough. And when it came to Uruha’s turn to talk about his dream, the blond had stuttered and fumbled around, only managing to choke out a ‘I play… guitar?’ sentence.  
  
Everyone had laughed then, and when they asked Aoi what his dream was, the raven hadn’t known what to say either, just the fact that he wanted to get better. It had silenced the room for a moment, before everyone agreed in unison, and Aoi had curled up to Uruha, who only kissed him sweetly in return. The both of them had fallen in love with each other pretty hard, and though Aoi hadn’t told this to his parents yet who made regular phone calls, he was sure his parents wouldn’t mind. Because spending time with Uruha made him happy, though the blond still seemed pretty depressed at times; but Aoi had talked to the blond about it, and Uruha agreed that having each other was a good way to head for a speedy recovery. And the blond had promised Aoi that they would leave the hospital together and start a new life together, and Aoi had felt so hopeful for that, felt so overwhelmed by the happiness he felt constantly with Uruha by his side. Uruha’s since taught him how to look at mirrors and appreciate himself, and Aoi’s since taught Uruha to put the knives away and stop harming himself. Because the blond has a habit of storing these knives just in case, Aoi knows, and he wants Uruha to stop it, for the benefit of both of them.  
  
At this rate things would work out just fine, and Aoi would have nothing to worry about anymore. That’s why when Aoi goes to sleep in Uruha’s arms on their bed – the nurses exchanged their single beds for a double joined one – and awakes alone the next morning, he doesn’t worry. Uruha usually goes to the bathroom to prep himself for the morning before Aoi, and the raven just yawns, lifting the blankets off him as he makes his way to knock on the bathroom door. But as his hands lean against it, the door opens to an empty bathroom, and Aoi creases his forehead, seemingly beginning to worry. Did Uruha go for a morning walk?  
  
As he leaves the hospital ward, he’s surprised to see nurses rushing around hurriedly, voices speaking all in hushed whispers. Most of them look to Aoi strangely, then turn away, as if Aoi’s the least of their problems now, and it’s only when Aoi heads over to a familiar face – Akari – that she pays attention to him, her face scrunching up in hesitation as she does so. Was something wrong?  
  
“What’s going on? Where’s Uruha?”  
  
She look reluctant to answer, but she replies anyway. “He’s currently in the emergency room, Aoi.”  
  
It takes a minute for Aoi to digest the information. “I don’t understand, Akari-san…”  
  
Akari looked extremely apologetic.  
  
“He attempted suicide, Aoi.”  
  
~  
  
At first it sounds like a joke to him, and the raven waits for someone to shake him and wake him from this horrible dream, and maybe Aoi will wake up in Uruha’s arms if he does so, but no, no one does, and the raven realizes what is happening now is  _real_ , and frightening, and scaring him half to death. Because he’s only just gotten out of depression after so long because of Uruha’s presence, and now they were telling him that the one thing he had wanted after so long was going to disappear right before his eyes.  
  
“W-What?”  
  
Akari looked like she was on the verge of tears. “He received news that his family passed away in a fire this morning. We thought it would be okay to tell him, because he seemed like he was recovering, and he had seemed fine when we told him, too, but…”  
  
“But?” Aoi’s face grew fearful, his hands beginning to shake of their own accord. “But?!”  
  
“But he went to the kitchen with the excuse of getting supplies for Kai and he took the bottle of pills instead,” Akari looked away. “We found him eventually, locked in one of the empty wards, but it wasn’t too late. We’re still trying to save him now, Aoi.”  
  
“No,” Aoi sobbed, backing up against the wall, the thought of Uruha disappearing from his life frightening him to death. “No, he can’t die. He  _won’t_  die. He promised me we were going to leave this place together, and… And he can’t, he can’t die,  _please_ , he can’t…”  
  
“Aoi… please calm down.” Akari said softly, holding the raven close to her. “Aoi, even if he leaves, it’s something that happens quite often, Aoi. He’s been sad for a very, very long time, and you have to accept that when someone goes, he’s gone…”  
  
“That  _can’t_ happen to him,” Aoi murmurs, crying, and he sinks down onto the floor, feeling more hopeless than ever. He thought Uruha’s love for him would have been enough to keep him here, but apparently not. Apparently Uruha thought less of him, apparently Uruha had found other reasons to leave, apparently Uruha hadn’t cared about what would have happened to the raven if he left. And it hurts, it  _hurt_ , because Aoi had thought he would be the sole reason Uruha would stay.  
  
He tunes the world out as Akari whispers words of comfort to him, and when Akari finally leaves his side to perform her own duties, Aoi shakily gets up and runs back to his room, slamming the door in the process, stopping just short of their bed. He reaches down underneath the bed, because he knows Uruha has got the knives hidden here, and as he pulls them out, he feels the tear drops falling furiously from his eyes to the knives in his hand, and he sees his reflection in them, knowing how awful he looked. Uruha always said Aoi looked better off smiling, but now Uruha wasn’t here to tell him otherwise,  _no_.  
  
Aoi grips the knife tightly in his hand, and he remembers his words to Uruha earlier, he remembers how he told the blond how he didn’t need the fake pain anymore when he had Uruha. He remembers how he told Uruha he was all he needed now, to get better, to get rid of the pain inside of him, and he remembers how Uruha had whispered back and told him he felt the same for Aoi, too.  
  
Now Aoi doesn’t care, though. Now Uruha’s going to go, and Aoi has to leave, as well. Aoi has to leave, because Uruha had been the only thing that kept him staying here, and now Uruha turned back on his promise and was going to leave the raven all by himself. Aoi’s trembling, and he’s scared, he’s  _so_  scared, because it’s been such a long time since he did this, but he knows he has to do it, because the pain hemorrhaging from his head and heart was killing him, and he knows there’s no other choice left.  
  
And yet when he presses the knife closely onto his skin, he feels something stopping him, he feels something crossing his mind.  
  
If he gave up now, it meant he would be giving up on Uruha, wouldn’t he? It meant that he was choosing the fake pain over Uruha, again, and it meant that he didn’t need Uruha to come back for him anymore. And that wasn’t true,  _no_ , it was far from truth. He needed Uruha more than anything, and he needed the blond to hold him close and tell him how beautiful he was. He needed Uruha, and he needed him to wake,  _now_. Aoi loses grip of the knife, allowing it to fall to the ground in a clatter, and he sobs, falling back against the bed, wondering what to do if Uruha wasn’t going to make it. Why didn’t the blond come and find him? Why didn’t Uruha tell him he was feeling  _bad_ again? Why… didn’t…?  
  
“Aoi.” The door burst open, and the raven sucks in a breath, turning shakily to Akari’s voice. Were they going to tell him Uruha didn’t make it? Were they going to feel sorry for him and were they going to  _pretend_ that it was all okay for Uruha to go like this? But all he sees is Akari’s face lighting up, her lips curving into a smile.  
  
“He made it, Aoi.”  
  
~  
  
“Be careful, it’s hot.” The raven holds the spoon up to the blond’s lips, and though his hands are trembling, the blond still accepts it readily, nodding lightly in response. Usually it was the nurses that did the feeding, but because Aoi had requested to be the one to feed his lover, the nurses relented, knowing how important the raven and the blond meant to each other. Healing through love is the best, they had agreed, and had allowed Aoi to do so, despite being a patient himself.  
  
“It’s fine,” Uruha murmurs quietly, swallowing the porridge down his throat. “It’s not that hot.”  
  
“Tell me if it’s too hot, okay?” Aoi looked concernedly to the blond, before stirring the bowl of porridge once more, scooping another spoon up, taking careful care to blow it to lessen the heat. “If it’s not too hot, you’ll finish this bowl, right?”  
  
“Mmm.” Uruha says, and the sad way his eyes flicker to the distance breaks Aoi’s heart instantly. Uruha had survived his suicide attempt, but Aoi knew the blond wasn’t too happy about that. And that’s the one thing that breaks him the most – knowing Uruha wasn’t too content, knowing that Uruha had slipped back to the person he was before he met Aoi. The raven was scared, scared that this might change everything between them, and as Aoi brings another spoon to Uruha’s lips, he can’t help but choke back a sob, allowing the tears to run freely down his cheeks. He didn’t care if Uruha saw anymore; but as much as Uruha was hurting, Aoi was hurting in the exact same way. What right did the blond have to do this to him? The raven rubs at his nose, then brings the spoon back down, stirring the bowl once more.  
  
“You’re going to be okay, right?” Aoi asks softly, averting his gaze away from the blond, still stirring mindlessly with his hand. “We’re going to be okay, right?”  
  
Uruha’s eyes seemed to turn dark with sadness. “I don’t know, Aoi…”  
  
“You’re going to be okay, right, Uru?” Aoi repeated, reaching his hand up to ghost over Uruha’s cheeks. The blond blinked away his tears and shook his head, seemingly giving in to the emotions he’d buried away for so long since that morning.  
  
“No, I’m not going to be okay, Aoi,” Uruha whispers, calmly, slowly, broken, and Aoi reaches forward to hug the blond close to him tightly. “I don’t feel okay, and I don’t know what I’m going to do now, Aoi. I don’t know what I have left, and I don’t know if I can even stay here anymore.”  
  
“But I’m so proud of you,” Aoi whimpers, repeating the words Uruha had first said to him on their first encounter. “You made it through, Uru. You’re going to be okay, and I know it.”  
  
Uruha felt his vision clouding. “That’s not true, Aoi. That isn’t true, at all.”  
  
“You’re going to be okay, right?” Aoi repeats, for both of their sake, and he can’t tell if the sobs that fill the room are his, or Uruha’s anymore. “I knew you would come back. I wanted to take a knife and kill myself, Uru, but I didn’t do it because I knew you would make it through. And now we’re here, and we’re okay, right?”  
  
“We’re not,” Uruha chokes out, and Aoi squeezes him tighter with that.  
  
“We’re going to be really okay, Uruha.” Aoi answers, and he buries his head against the blond’s chest. “And you know why? Because our scars are beautiful. You’re beautiful. And I’m beautiful. And we’re going to make it through together, okay?”  
  
“Why?” Uruha’s crying, uncontrollably now, and he grips Aoi tighter to him. “Why me?”  
  
“Because I love you,” Aoi whispers, and he feels the tears fall from the blond’s cheeks to Aoi’s neck, dripping and clattering, tears that told the raven enough of the blond’s sadness.  
  
“It’s going to be okay,” Uruha says softly, his throat constricting, his eyes slowly fluttering shut. And then he dips his head down a little, kissing the top of Aoi’s head, murmuring words just slightly above a whisper: “Because I love you.”  
  
~  
  
Uruha had taught him how to be strong, and Aoi was going to, too. And that’s why as the blond slowly speaks, Aoi just listens, knowing the blond needed that the most, needed Aoi’s comfort, needed Aoi’s presence. Because Uruha had once been there for him, forcing Aoi to speak, and now Aoi realizes what Uruha had been doing all these while. The blond knows just how important speaking about your problem is, and he wanted to help Aoi, and he wanted to hear what Aoi had to say. And now Aoi’s going to listen to what Uruha has to say, because he wants Uruha to feel as safe, as happy, as secure as before.  
  
“I know I never was close with my family,” Uruha cast his eyes away guiltily. “But I loved them, as unbelievable as that sounds. I loved them and I always felt like a burden and I never felt like I could do anything to earn their love. And the day I was supposed to be discharged – I hadn’t meant to cut myself again, but I didn’t want to go back home yet. I didn’t want to go back and lie to them and fake a smile and pretend I was okay, when I really wasn’t. I hadn’t thought of what I was going to do with my life, and I wasn’t prepared to be a disappointment to my family again. So I cut myself, and I stained the sheets so the nurses would see it, so they would hold me back a little while longer. And it worked. And then… you came the next day.”  
  
Aoi held Uruha’s hand in his, squeezing it comfortingly. “And?”  
  
“You reminded me of just like me, I guess.” Uruha smiled slightly. “You looked so beautiful, and I wanted to help you, and for some reason… you just made me feel like I could do this, I could get over it, and I just… felt like taking care of you. And then we kissed, and things started getting better for you, for me, and then…” His lower lip trembled a little.  
  
“And things were going great, and still are,” Aoi continued softly, stroking the side of Uruha’s palm gently. “Nothing’s going to change, Uruha.”  
  
“They’re gone,” Uruha says, as quietly as he can. “It was an accident, I heard. But they’re gone, and I’m never going to make them proud, or go back home to them, Aoi. And all my life, I… I’ve dreamt of doing that. Making them proud of me, making them proud of a son who’s only had to let them down time after time. And they’re gone. In a snap. Just… gone.”  
  
Aoi holds back the tears. “I’m here, aren’t I?”  
  
“You are,” Uruha smiles sadly to the raven. “You are, Aoi.”  
  
“They were never gone,” Aoi breathed, watching the blond intently. “They’re still living in your heart, Uruha.”  
  
“They are.” Uruha nods, and his smile widens, though Aoi can see the hurt visible through his eyes. “Because I loved them.”  
  
“And they loved you, too.” Aoi says, despite not knowing if it’s true, but he knows how important Uruha needs to hear them now, and he knows how lonely and afraid Uruha is now. “And I love you, too. And you’re going to be okay, Uruha.”  
  
“I have nowhere to go now, Aoi.” Uruha says, and Aoi can hear how frightened he is, truly, behind that calm composure. “I don’t know what to do with my life, again, and I don’t know if I can stay here in the hospital any longer. I won’t have the funds to support it, and I don’t even know if I can get a job in this… state, Aoi.”  
  
“Can’t you stay with me?” Aoi asks, and he watches as Uruha looks to him, surprised for a second. “I’ll talk to my parents about it, okay? We have a large house, it won’t matter if we add just one more in. You’ll come home with me, okay?”  
  
Uruha’s eyes redden for a moment. “Really?”  
  
“My parents are going to love you,” Aoi whispers, nodding, and as he reaches up to kiss Uruha lightly against the cheek, the blond breaks into grateful tears, hugging the raven close to him.  
  
“I would love that,” Uruha whispers back, and Aoi just smiles, leaning his head into the blond’s touch.  
  
And now he can’t wait for next morning, because he’ll talk to his parents about it, and he’ll prepare to start a new life over with the blond. And why? Because Uruha’s scars were beautiful, and his scars were beautiful, and that was what the blond had taught him from the very start. And their scars are only going to make them better, and bigger people, and as Aoi looks back onto his past, he realizes he doesn’t regret those scars at all.  
  
Not even one single bit.

**Author's Note:**

> No, this isn't a new fic -- I never finished transferring my works from LJ to here x_x
> 
> I went back to go through the rest of my fanfiction archive and found many that I didn't mind adding to my collection here on AO3. So here you go!
> 
> I wrote this fic at a time when I was really down, and needed some comfort. It definitely feels like it contains a lot more raw emotion than my other one-shots, or at least it does to me ^^


End file.
